Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

Annabelle's Papa wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 1:52 pm
Lemorvan wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 1:02 pm
But Big Ben doesn't have the time, it's a bell,

Where's the thumbs down emoji when you want it ! :D

Ici👎

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

Sign at the entrance to an Egyptian car park.

TOOT AND COME IN

《Pain Emoji Here》

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

How long did the pubic hair stay on the toilet seat?


Till it got pissed off.

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four wooden tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first. No one has EVER touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,

“Look at this then, it's still in the CRATE!"

ajm
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Re: Jokes.

Post by ajm »

It's an old one and may not be word perfect but here goes:
Maggie Thatcher takes her cabinet out for a meal - when the waiter asks her what she will have she says " I'll have a steak" The waiter then says "and the vegetables?" To which she said " they will have the same" :
You can change the names but the principle remains :)
If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. Mae West.

Mangetout
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Mangetout »

ajm wrote:
Sat Aug 10, 2019 9:04 pm
It's an old one and may not be word perfect but here goes:
Maggie Thatcher takes her cabinet out for a meal - when the waiter asks her what she will have she says " I'll have a steak" The waiter then says "and the vegetables?" To which she said " they will have the same" :
You can change the names but the principle remains :)

That comes from a Spitting Image sketch.

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Nifty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »

I have been into the kitchen to get my breakfast. A woman walked in and asked me where she was.
‘Who are you’ I said.

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t*ts and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

A guy in Glasgow was walking past a block of flats when somebody threw a lump of cheddar out a window and hit him on the head.
He looked up and shouted, "That wisnae very mature!"

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

Wasn't sure if this should go on the jokes thread or the champions of Europe thread.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

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