Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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mik
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mik »

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out in the town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Boris Johnson?" asked Pinocchio.

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

A Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pocket. He says to the Scotsman "That took great skill and and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Scotsman replied, "That's just simple thievery.

I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same result."

The Scotsman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir I want to show you a magic trick."

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the trick.

The Scotsman asked him for a bun and he proceeded to eat it. He asked twice more and after he has eaten them the owner says "Okay my friend where's the magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pockets.

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

I'm having some people round for drinks. What mixer should I use in my prawn cocktails?

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

On a positive note regarding Boris Johnson and domestic violence;

At least if he does get into No.10 , there will always be a policeman on hand outside the front door.

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

As a child: 'You are grounded. '

As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm. '

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling confident?"

"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

Nasa Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.

Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm five stone heavier and diabetic

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

Historians:

Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle would be groundbreaking.

Not because she's mixed-race or divorced, but because they're not related.

OTBC
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OTBC »

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"

I looked down and saw a little frog, " I said "Was that you speaking"? The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"

So I picked the little frog up and placed it in an empty bait box.

When I got home, the missus was out, so I opened the bait box and the little frog said "Are you going to kiss me now so I can turn into your faithful mistress"?

I said "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog"

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