Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

I asked Sally if I died would she marry again. She said she doesn't know. I asked her, if I did would she let him use my golf clubs. She said no, he's left handed. :shock:

Hexenbeest
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Hexenbeest »

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)







'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco'
We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form.
William Ralph Inge

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

Amber Rudd: One of my constituents is moving to the Caribbean.
Theresa May: Jamaica?
Amber Rudd: Yes, but the initiative was yours.

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mysty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mysty »

Mrs snowman came home to Mr Snowman and said whats that mess on the floor, he said I was trying to get to the freezer but every time i went past the wood burner I was melting.
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Tom
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Tom »

Mrs snowman came home to Mr Snowman and said whats that mess on the floor, he said I was trying to get to the freezer but every time i went past the wood burner I was melting.
:lol: Did Mrs Snowman buy that excuse or did she give him the cold shoulder?
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”
– Charles de Gaulle

curtis
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Re: Jokes.

Post by curtis »

Un clodo arrive devant le palais de l'Élysée et gare son vélo.

Aussitôt un policier de service arrive et lui dit:

" Vous ne pouvez pas laisser votre vélo ici, Vous êtes devant

le palais présidentiel. Ici passent, le président, les ministres,

les députés, les sénateurs et de nombreuses personnalités "

L'ivrogne le toise de la tête aux pieds et répond:

" T'inquiète pas je vais mettre un cadenas ! "
Drive fast, attract the Police. Drive faster, attract sponsors.

vic evans

Re: Jokes.

Post by vic evans »

curtis wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 6:34 pm


" T'inquiète pas je vais mettre un cadenas ! "
:good: Avec raison

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mysty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mysty »

Tom wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 5:42 pm
Mrs snowman came home to Mr Snowman and said whats that mess on the floor, he said I was trying to get to the freezer but every time i went past the wood burner I was melting.
:lol: Did Mrs Snowman buy that excuse or did she give him the cold shoulder?
Not only did he get the cold shoulder, she said you have snow chance of getting near me tonight :lol:
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Leo
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Leo »

mysty1 wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 5:33 pm
Mrs snowman came home to Mr Snowman and said whats that mess on the floor, he said I was trying to get to the freezer but every time i went past the wood burner I was melting.
The difference between a snowman and a snowoman+


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------------------Snowballs1

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mysty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mysty »

snow balls snow babies snow funny :lol:
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