Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

I've just been appointed in a new role as Sally's sexual advisor. She says when she wants my f***ing advice she'll ask for it.

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

Girl: "Come over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

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OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”


His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex
all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night.
She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”


A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of
years. says,

“Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.”

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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my Degree on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no...”

"I was Released".

Lemorvan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

The plot for the new James Bond movie has been leaked. Basically, 007 flies around Europe filling in immigration forms and waiting in passport queues.

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Fitter
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Fitter »

It's a long complicated one - so pay attention :lol:

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” ― Mark Twain
"You can't say A causes B if B happens first" - Thomas Sowell

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FrenchForumSurvivor
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Re: Jokes.

Post by FrenchForumSurvivor »

A woman took a very limp duck into a vets. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead.” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, your duck is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead.”

The vet then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£1,500!” she cried,
“£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged “I’m sorry, if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £1,500.”
"I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times." - Everett Dirksen

Cailleach Mhéara
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Cailleach Mhéara »

I was thrown out of the Peripheral Vision Club today.

...Never saw it coming.

Cailleach

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