Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"...? It Feels great" he replied, "But I still think my thumb's broken"...

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with "once upon a time"?"

"No", I replied.

"There are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with "If elected, I promise...""

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from
the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, yeknow. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish!!'

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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A man in his hospital bed recovering from an operation with an oxygen mask on mumbles to the nurse, "Are my testicals back?"

The nurse lifted his gown moved his penis and felt his testicles and said, "all seems in order there".

The man then manages to move his arm enough to remove the mask and said "That was very nice my dear, but please listen carefully....are my test results back!"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

I went to the gym last night and found a hole in my trainer just big enough to put my finger in.

Anyway, she has complained and I am now banned for life.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

'Do not touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.....

ajm
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Re: Jokes.

Post by ajm »

2 guys playing golf were being held up on every hole by 2 women in front of them. Eventually one of the men said" I've had enough, I'm going to have a word with them" and marches off towards them. He gets half way and turns back. " What's the problem?"his pal says. One of them is my wife and the other one is my mistress!! His pal says leave it to me and he sets off towards the women and then he turns back saying " It's a small world isn't it"
If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. Mae West.

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mysty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mysty »

A snowman is melting in the sun and his mate sparky says what's that song your singing.
Sparky its the only one that can save me.
Whats that then snowy.
If I could turn back time :lol:
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Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

A carrot and Donald Trump?
Frankly I don't get it.


























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mysty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mysty »

Britain on verge of historic blunder, warns Johnson at DUP conference

Mysty says

The historic blunder has already happened when the public believed your brexit tosh
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