Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Little boy at the nude beach.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester –

Mustafa Al Shariah

“here”

Ahmed El Sheriah

“here”

Fatima El Bindiri

“here”

Ali Acmah Shabeeb

“here”

Ali Sun Al En

No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl at the back stands up and says “It’s pronounced Alison Allen for gods sake”

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,'Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself...'

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Subject: Johnny

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny’s tart!"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache.
Cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night …
Was it as bad as I think ?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors
and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an arsehole," John said. "and I should have told him."

"You did," came the reply, ….. “and he fired you !!"

"Ah, well, f**k him !" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a lethal capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A Bendigo councillor was quoted saying, I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built in Bendigo.

I think it should be the goal of every Aussie to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed,

in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the

mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other a topless bar called You Mecca

Me Hot.

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called

Iraq o' Ribs.

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret, with sexy mannequins in the window

modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, Koranal Knowledge, its name in flashing neon lights,

and on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered.

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem

for others.

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A young girl walks into a supermarket.
On her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

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