Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Barb was lying in bed one night.

Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back
to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

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This man is a shopkeeper and he has a grocery shop. Now his son is 14 years old and the shopkeeper decides it's time for his son to start learning the business and so takes him into his shop one morning and sits him behind the counter.

"Now watch how I do this" says the shopkeeper. "It's important for you to learn what the customer wants and see if you can also sell him something else on top which he probably needs but has forgotten to ask for. That way we can make some more money". At that moment a lady walks into the shop and asks for some washing up liquid. As she goes to pay the shopkeeper asks "Since you are buying the washing up liquid can I ask if you need any window cleaner as well?"

"Sure that would be good" says the lady and so she proceeds to buy a bottle of window cleaner as well.

After the customer has left, the shopkeeper asks his son if he thinks he's got the idea... He tells the son "See what I did, since the lady wanted washing liquid I thought she might need to clean her windows as well and so I sold her the window cleaner"

"That sounds easy" says the son, and so the shopkeeper steps aside and tells his son to serve the next customer. At that moment another lady walks into the shop, approaches the counter and asks for a box of tampons.

"Sure" says the son confidently, and then seemingly without hesitation asks "Would you like a bottle of window cleaner with that?" The lady thinks for a second, and then agrees to buy a bottle of window cleaner as well and leaves the shop having bought that too.

Afterwards the shopkeeper is a little confused and asks his son why it was that he thought of window cleaner as an upsell to the box of tampons.

"Well" says the son, "I figured that if she's on her period she won't be doing any shagging and so she'll probably have time to clean her windows..."

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Re: Jokes.

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Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave
me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy
(Electricity supplier in India ) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”
"Yes, speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know."
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files." says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files. HOW?"
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much."
"Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company
tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance
office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's
nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"



"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !



American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !



Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

Last One For Today!


Puns for Educated Minds



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

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Tom
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Tom »

:D That was truly a joke marathon. Having run through them alI I thoroughly enjoyed them.
“The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk."
—Ogden Nash

Archy
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Archy »

Robin "what's that up my arse batman"

Batman "it's cock robin"

:lol:

OldSchool
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Re: Jokes.

Post by OldSchool »

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE.

PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES.THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.

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