Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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AIIy
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Re: Jokes.

Post by AIIy »

Did you hear about the troubled snowman?
He was bi-polar.
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niemeyjt
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Re: Jokes.

Post by niemeyjt »

especially for Plog . . . .

This year Santa had a visit from the Civil Aviation Authority, to check out the airworthiness of the sleigh and reindeer. It did not go well...

The official checked out the sleigh and then boarded it for a test flight with Santa piloting. Suddenly he pulled out a 9mm automatic pistol and pointed it at Rudolph.

"What the hell are you doing?" shouted Santa.

"I want to see how you handle this craft with one engine out!"

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AIIy
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Re: Jokes.

Post by AIIy »

Two of Santa's helpers were injured in an accident at the toy factory yesterday. Elfin safety are conducting an investigation.
Being funny makes you more attractive.
Beauty fades but sarcasm lives forever.

niemeyjt
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Re: Jokes.

Post by niemeyjt »

AIIy wrote:
Mon Dec 14, 2020 8:00 am
Two of Santa's helpers were injured in an accident at the toy factory yesterday. Elfin safety are conducting an investigation.
A HSE report is coming in . . . and corrective actions advised:

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year's well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by niemeyjt »

I got home last night to find doors ripped off their hinges and windows torn out of their fittings.

That's the last time I leave my advent calendar in the same room as the dog.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »

Lowery gets a job at HSE


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AIIy
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Re: Jokes.

Post by AIIy »

Mrs Snowman: Does my bum look big?
Mr Snowman: it's just the way you're built.
Mrs Snowman: That's not what I need to hear.
Mr Snowman: if it bothers you, jump in the sauna and watch the pounds drop off.
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Re: Jokes.

Post by niemeyjt »

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

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AIIy
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Re: Jokes.

Post by AIIy »

My wealthy estranged mother left my younger brother Montgomery Hall and my older brother Eglinton Hall.
She left me Bugger Hall.
Being funny makes you more attractive.
Beauty fades but sarcasm lives forever.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

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