Jokes.

[bluehighway]

[Tom]

Quelle est la différence entre le temps et l'éternité ?
Si je prenais le temps de te l'expliquer, il faudrait une éternité pour que tu la comprennes.

[Lemorvan]

My girlfriend can be really loud during sex. I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help

If men fall asleep directly after sex, why then is it so difficult to catch a rapist?

[Lemorvan]

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”

I saw a charity appeal in the paper the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move

[Lemorvan]

Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living.

[Lemorvan]

I live near a remedial school. There’s a sign that says, ‘slow – children’. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side… they can’t read it.

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?


My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

[Elstow]

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, Hamish returns, Repays the £5,000 and the interest, Which comes to £15.41.
The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

Hamish replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return."

[Elstow]

An old Irishman was standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart arse, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?

"You're the eighth", says the old man

[OTBC]

"DAD! I've just heard that the World Cup is going to be increased to 48 teams, so we'll have more chance of qualifying, won't we?"

"No son, I'm afraid it means we'll still be Scottish".

[Ally]

I gave Sally £200 and told her to go and enjoy herself because I am going to watch the football. She said that's a lot for a 90 minute game. I said it's the world cup it'll need to last you a fortnight. She said the world cup lasts a month so I'll need more the £200. I said you'll be fine, I'll lose interest when England go oot.
PS it's all gone quiet on the cricket front. What's been happening?