Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
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Nifty
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »

FACTS-


* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.

* Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.

* Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.
Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from
Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound life just find me or do I find them?

* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business!

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage. What to wear, what to wear?

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Biggles »

So you do have a "normal" sense of humour too Nifty! :lol:
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." — Mark Twain

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »

Not mine, some of it made my lip twitch, I knew someone might like somthhing.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by rabbit »

With Apologies to Mr Kipling (No, the other one)

If you can greet your pals with no embrace

If you can wash your hands and leave no trace

If you can shop and keep your distance

And use sans contact with no resistance

If you can wear a mask like Billy the Kid

And search the shelves where the hand gel’s hid

If you can treat isolation without agitation

And meet these two impostors just the same

If you can wash your hands once more

Even though your skin is sore

If you can go without Michelin dinner

Even though it makes you thinner

If you can read the news, yet still have fun

Then you'll survive lock-down my son

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Re: Jokes.

Post by michael86 »

404821.jpg
I love Jamie Oliver's "Keep Cooking and Carry On" because he says you can substitute ingredients for ones you have in the cupboard. Tonight I made his Aubergine Curry Dal with Herby Flatbreads.

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Jokes(2)

Post by ajm »

The jokes page seems to have disappeared as there haven't been any recent additions so here goes:
Down by the harbour in little Welsh village sat a little old man who looked very down. So I asked what was wrong. He said " see all the boats in the harbour? I built them but do they call me Ivor the boat builder? No. Those cottages behind you were all built by me but do they call me Ivor the house builder?No. You sh@g just one sheep………….. ;)
If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. Mae West.

After the Storm

Re: Jokes(2)

Post by After the Storm »

Don’t worry ajm, it hasn’t disappeared, just a few pages back in the cafe section. :)
viewtopic.php?t=129

After the Storm

Re: Jokes.

Post by After the Storm »

Pinched this from elsewhere :P

I owe the Jurassic Park movie franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic, the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by curtis »

Blague juive en période pascale

Trump décide de faire une petite visite en Israël. Pendant un bain de foule à Jérusalem, il est pris d’un malaise cardiaque. On le transporte à l’hôpital mais il meurt pendant le trajet. Les croque-morts proposent 2 possibilités aux diplomates qui l’accompagnent:”vous pouvez le rapatrier pour 50000 dollars ou vous pouvez le faire inhumer ici,en Terre Sainte pour seulement 100 dollars.”
 Les diplomates américains se concertent pendant quelques minutes. Ils reviennent vers l’employé des pompes funèbres et lui disent:”Nous voulons le rapatrier “.Celui-ci est très étonné et demande:”Pourquoi dépenser 50000 dollars pour le rapatrier alors que vous avez la merveilleuse possibilité de l’enterrer en Terre Sainte pour 100 dollars.”?
 Les diplomates américains répondent:”Il y a très longtemps,un homme est mort ici, il a été enterré ici, et trois jours après il était ressuscité. C’est un risque que nous ne pouvons absolument pas prendre
Drive fast, attract the Police. Drive faster, attract sponsors.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »

Not.

Latest according to the ABM (Anti Britexit Mantra)

Dark matter is a form or matter thought to account for approximately 85% of the matter in the
universe and about a quarter of its total energy density and closely related to Aunty Matter

Its presence is implied in a variety of dubious sorcerers of information and spinning of observations made by such bodies as the URI Geller Institute of Spoon Bending and Cambridge Analytica that cannot be explained by accepted theories of corrupt practices used in non productive diamond mines in Lesotho, unless, more matter is present than can be seen.
For this reason, most experts think that dark green matter is abundant in the certain bank accounts and that it has had a strong influence on the structure of YouK Guv. Policy.

Dark matter is called dark because it does not appear to interact with observable phenomena such as common sense, and so, it is undetectable by existing pecuniary and non-pecuniary policy instruments.

Note. This mantra is undergoing constant change dur to an obscure event horizon.

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