Jokes.

A place for some light-hearted chat.
Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

Epicentre in Asia - China
Epicentre in Europe - Italy
Now I don't think a crisis like this is the right time for finger pointing but I cannae get a pack of rice or pasta for love nor money.

curtis
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Re: Jokes.

Post by curtis »

Un Belge en voyage en Chine achète des lunettes révolutionnaires. Elles permettent de voir complètement nues les personnes habillées.

Il sort dans la rue et met ses lunettes. Il voit tout le monde à poil. Il est en extase !

Il enlève les lunettes : habillés.

il remet les lunettes : nues.

C'est incroyable !

Dans l'avion du retour, il devient fou en voyant les hôtesses nues.

Avant d'entrer chez lui, il met ses lunettes pour voir sa femme toute nue. Il ouvre la porte et voit sa femme et son meilleur ami assis sur le canapé, nus.

Il enlève les lunettes : ils sont toujours nus. Il remet les lunettes : toujours nus. Il enlève les lunettes : encore nus.

Il hurle : " Saloperie de merde de camelote chinoise, trois jours et elles sont déjà foutues. »
Drive fast, attract the Police. Drive faster, attract sponsors.

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DocDoc
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Re: Jokes.

Post by DocDoc »

The Italians have suffered more than enough, you bastard!
“Information is not knowledge."

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

What did the unhygienic ice cream man say to the snowman?

Would you like a cone or a virus?

I think that's good enough for Myfacespace. Ally@myfacespace.scot

Ally

Re: Jokes.

Post by Ally »

While in Specsavers this morning I was admiring my new tattoo in one of the mirrors when I was asked to cover it as I was offending the staff and other customers. A fox disappearing into its lair? How?

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Nifty »


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Re: Jokes.

Post by Lemorvan »

A bloke knocked on my door this morning and asked if I wanted his car at no charge. “What are you doing that for?” I asked.
“Well” he says “I don’t want that car owners virus”

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ANOther
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Re: Jokes.

Post by ANOther »

just a Frenchie wrote:
Sun Jan 26, 2020 8:15 am
Image
Is this who I think it is, G A?
Brexit: ‘taking back’ what we had never lost in order to lose everything we had...

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just a Frenchie
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Re: Jokes.

Post by just a Frenchie »

ANOther wrote:
Sat Mar 21, 2020 7:32 pm
just a Frenchie wrote:
Sun Jan 26, 2020 8:15 am
Image
Is this who I think it is, G A?
Jacques Chirac (Président 1995 - 2007) :lol:
You learn from your mistakes but it's much quicker and cheaper to learn from the mistakes of other people ! :D

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Re: Jokes.

Post by timbo »

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves the needle.
Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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